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Editorials 
Part 1 - Nintendo Coward
- By Brett
Fulesday
Everybody loves that adorable, cheeky squirrel Conker, right?
Everybody loves those sophomoric print ads featuring Conker, right?
Everybody loves that randy Conker commercial featuring that well-endowed ska – woman, right?
N’s pimping Conker as the anti-Mario throughout the nation. TV spots. National newspapers. City newspapers. College newspapers. E-mails. Everywhere, except for its own magazine.
On March 6, IGN 64 posted the following news morsel:
Nintendo itself has decided to forego the promotion of the game in its official magazine Nintendo Power for [inappropriate content for young readers]. The publication will not cover the title in any way, not even to review it.
Ouch.
Considering that N will literally release a handful of N64 titles for the remainder of the year, this decision, in all likelihood, cost N millions of dollars, if one were to factor in potential advertising revenue and sales that would have resulted from advertisements, coverage, and reviews. Surprising? Not at all.
Nintendo Power used to serve as, and still does serve as, ammunition for those individuals arguing that N has no desire to cater to any audience other than to six- to fourteen-year-old kids. How so? Next time the opportunity presents itself, stroll though the section known as “Player’s Pulse” – the letters section.
Since July 1988, this section has single-handedly reduced the quality of the magazine. For instance, in 1990 or in some other year in the very early ‘90s, one oft-ridiculed letter contained a picture someone snapped of a “Bread Boy” or “Dough Boy” – a Game Boy made out of bread. Worse yet, in the ensuing months, the magazine displayed photographs of imitation Dough Boys.
During roughly the same time period, NP editors also saw fit to publish images of readers’ pets (if memory serves me correct, one picture featured a Golden Retriever manipulating an NES Advantage, while another featured a cat – with nose pressed against the television screen – standing on two paws intently watching a ball bounce to and fro). Hey, why print reader letters – the majority of which were not, and are not, much better – when you can print Polaroids of someone’s damn cat?
Over time, the editors wisely ceased publishing absurd photos and started publishing…
Absurd letters.
To what degree has the content plummeted? Be forewarned – these letters contain words and thoughts that, when processed by your brain, may result in uncontrollable levels of disgust…
In the January 2001 edition (Volume 140), one gifted reader wrote, “Wrestlemania 2000 [. . .] taught me that it’s a bad idea to get hit in the head with a steel chair.”
Sir, Mensa’s on line one.
In the February 2001 issue (Volume 141), the next Yu Suzuki penned, “I think you should tell Rare to make a game starring a grocery cop busting bad guys in a supermarket. You could grab items like beans and canned ham and throw them at the evildoers [. . .]"
Grocery cop? What about The Adventures of Leon the Horticulturalist?
NP’s editors do not aim to please the information-devouring-Internet-junkies (better known as those hardcore gamers ranging from the ages of sixteen to thirty). Nope, those editors thrive on entertaining the naïve “kiddie” demographic – the six- to fourteen-year-olds. Hence, Conker says good-bye, and Pokemon Stadium 2 says hello.
And then there is the MF – the other reason why NP editors refuse to touch Conker. All knowing and powerful, the MF is a frightening hybrid of Santa Claus and Big Brother. So, until next Friday night…
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| "Hey, why print reader letters – the majority of which were not, and are not, much better – when you can print Polaroids of someone’s damn cat?" |
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