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Editorials   'Twas The Night Before Darkness
- By Mike Schneider

'Twas the night before 'Darkness, when all through the house;
Not a control stick was moving, nor even my mouse.
The console was plugged into the wall with care;
In hopes that Perfect Dark would soon end the despair.

Gamers everywhere were nestled all snug in their beds;
With visions of Joanna dancing in their heads.
The EB Cashier fearing the day ahead, saying, "oh crap";
And I in my PJ's, sleeping with my expansion pak in my lap.

When over on the desk there arose such a clatter;
I sprang from the bed to see there was no matter.
The alarm clock had rang and it struck me like a rash;
It finally was time for me to go get my reserved stash.

The sun in my eyes while I was on the go;
Gave the luster of perfection like none that I know.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
Then my copy of Perfect Dark, ever so near.

With a little old car, so lively and quick;
I rushed myself home, for I knew the experience ahead would be slick.
More rapid than eagles the Carrington Institute came,
And I whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, CYCLONE! now, REAPER! now, NBOMB! now SLAYER!
On, MAULER! on, AVENGER! on, DRAGON! and DEVASTATOR!
To the center of the target! to avoid the wall!
Now clear away! clear away! clear away all!"

As friends arrive for battles and their first try;
As they meet up with me, they most certainly die.
So up to the new area in Complex they flew,
With a pocketful of explosives, and FarSights too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard in a level;
The sound of an enemy, oh how he was the devil.
As I drew my weapon, and was turning around;
He stole my very weapon, oh what a big hound.

He was dressed all in black, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with blood and soot
A few little 'd's' he had on his back;
And he looked like a menace ready to attack.

The graphics -- how they twinkled! They looked so merry!
The AI like none other, it really was scary.
The multiplayer in the game could put on a show;
And the controls of the game as tight as I know.

The challenge on Perfect Agent as hard as my teeth;
And a Challenge Mode itself that can make one seethe.
Elvis had a broad face and a little round belly;
And accuracy that turned the enemy into jelly.

Perfect Dark had options aplenty, and loads of stealth;
I trembled at the thought of separating the game from myself.
A lock on my door and a bat under my bed;
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

I spoke not a word, as I enjoyed doing my "work";
As I obtained many medals, it was quite a perk.
And using the IR Scanner to zoom in on my cloaked foes;
While moving quite slowly, up the ladder he rose.

I scrolled to my Devastor, to give him a missle;
As the shot hit him, roaring like a loud whistle.
I'd like to exclaim, in honor of that one last multiplayer fight;
"HAPPY DARKNESS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A DARK-NIGHT!"


*To see the original, " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas", check this page out.
Almost every rhyme in this PD parody ends in the same syllables as the original poem.

--Mike Schneider