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Editorials   The Real Dolphin Shady
- By Mike Schneider

Please be forewarned... This is for the purpose of FUN only, take it with a light heart, and remember it may in fact come off as lame... The author may not actually have these feelings about Nintendo as a company - this was written for the sake of ENTERTAINMENT only. If you cannot take sarcasm well, then you should stop reading right now. With that said, if you know the lyrics to "The Real Slim Shady", by Eminem, you should enjoy this parody:


May I have your attention please;
May I have your attention please;
Will some real Dolphin info please come out?
I repeat, will some real dolphin info please come out?
I think we've already got a problem here...

They all act like they've never promoted a new system before;
Jaws all on the floor when the press demands for information and loads more.
Continue to be even more stubborn than before;
They first were family oriented before competition galore.
It's the return of the famil... awww wait, no wait, you're kidding, they didn't just say BFD, did they?
And Samus Aran said...
Nothing, those idiots, she's locked in our SNES forever.
Animal rights activists hated the name Dolphin,
Chicka chicka chicka Star Cube, many are sick of that name too.
Look at them, walking around holding their "confidential" information;
Flippin' the "no comment" to prevent any system altercation.
Yeah Nintendo's silence is causing more than a few screws to come loose,
And some publications write them off as a dead moose.
"Our system will top PS2, our system will top PS2"
And that's the message they deliver to little kids;
and expect them to go gaga over it without any information off the lids.
Of course they're gonna expect us to buy it for Zelda 2000;
we've got the N64 version, don't we?
We ain't nothing but gamers, well some of us system advocators;
Who rip open our games like nothing is greater.
But if we can change systems that treat us in more favor,
then there's no reason to hold information until later.
But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote,
Let your imagination fly by singing the chorus, and it goes...


I'm a Nintendo fanboy;
Yes I'm a Nintendo fanboy;
All the other next-gen systems, are just for the real lamer,
So won't the real information please be revealed, please be revealed, please be revealed.
' Cause I'm a Nintendo fanboy,
Yes a real Nintendo fanboy;
All the other next-gen systems, are just for the real lamer,
So won't the real information please be revealed, please be revealed, please be revealed.


Nintendo's never had to make sequels year after year to sell games like other systems do;
Well Sony Playstation does, so forget about Sony, and other developers too.
You think they gave a damn about the money?
Well if they did, Dolphin would be on the market already, surely selling like candy.
<but Mike, what if they did give info, wouldn't it be weird?>
Why? So we can have knowledge of what we already should know?
So you can sit me here next to Mario as we give an adventure another go?
Mario's getting more mature, they tell us with great care;
So they can try to give us something while the lack of information leaves us in despair.
And see websites speculate because it seems that Nintendo doesn't give a care.
A little snippet or screenshot would quite keen
(yea IGN's controller mockup is cute, but its accuracy remains to be seen)
They should let us download a file on mpeg format;
and give us the information that we beg for like a cat.
I'm sick of your secrecy, all it does is annoy me;
So I've been writing this as a complaint you see.
And there's a million of us just like me;
Who are fanboys like me;
Who get upset just like me;
Who think like me;
Walk, talk, and act like me;
It might just be the next best thing;
To finally give some information, yippee.


I'm a Nintendo fanboy;
Yes I'm a Nintendo fanboy;
All the other next-gen systems, are just for the real lamer,
So won't the real information please be revealed, please be revealed, please be revealed.
'Cause I'm a Nintendo fanboy,
Yes a real Nintendo fanboy;
All the other next-gen systems, are just for the real lamer,
So won't the real information please be revealed, please be revealed, please be revealed.


They lack of information's getting difficult to listen to;
Nintendo's secrecy is only giving us things to joke about inside the living room.
The only difference is they don't got the balls to admit it in front of y'all, but rather be misleading and sugar coat it all.
They just get on the podium and squelch it;
Whether you like to admit it.
They say their system is better than all the others out there;
Then they don't expect us to question this even without facts in the air.
It's funny 'cuz at the rate the information is coming when I'm 30;
I'll still be wondering what the controller looks like when it gets dirty;
Searching online for the information I'm looking for;
But this whole process leaves me feeling helpless and poor;
And every single person is a Dolphin Hunter lurking
They could be reading a magazine realizing the hunt for information isn't working;
While in the parking lot, circling screaming, "I've had enough!"
With the windows down and the lack of information eating them up.
So will the real next-gen info please come out,
And someone from Nintendo tell us what it is about;
And be proud to be in control and let us keep our mind
And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?


I'm a Nintendo fanboy;
Yes I'm a Nintendo fanboy;
All the other next-gen systems, are just for the real lamer,
So won't the real information please be revealed, please be revealed, please be revealed.
'Cause I'm a Nintendo fanboy,
Yes a real Nintendo fanboy;
All the other next-gen systems, are just for the real lamer,
So won't the real information please be revealed, please be revealed, please be revealed.


Please give Mike any comments you have regarding this, Mike would like to know if he should ever pursue more parodies of well-known stuff, since his PD Poem, 'Twas The Night Before Darkness, was generally well received.

If you are yearning for a somewhat accurate transcript of "The Real Slim Shady", the song that inspired this parody, click here, and be warned that this song may be inappropriate for young lads.

--Mike Schneider