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Editorials   Bill Gates, Shigeru Miyamoto, Ken Lobb, and Sony Fanboy -- Roundtable Discussion
- By Mike Schneider [Editor In Chief]

After attending E3 in 2000 and 2001, I could not attend E3 2002 for various reasons. However, that did not stop me from overhearing this exclusive round table discussion that occured between Bill Gates, Shigeru Miyamoto, Ken Lobb, and a Sony Fanboy. Please note that the following is as real as my Wavebird that allows me to play from 1/4 mile away (I have a Wavebird?).


THE OFFICIAL, EXCLUSIVE E3 2002 ROUND TABLE TRANSCRIPTION:

Bill Gates: You have an impressive Zelda game. Link reminds me of myself in my youthful years.

Shiggy: Thank you. I am Shiggy. I am all-knowing. You would eat your money if I told you to.

Sony Fanboy: I would eat something, alright… I’d eat it ou…

Bill Gates: 64 G’s. I’ll give you 64 G’s right this moment to unplug every Zelda kiosk here. You Nintendo boys know you like the 64 attached to everything.

Ken Lobb: Billy means that he thinks Zelda needs more of a mature direction. He thinks you should pay Microsoft for the rights to include the Klobb in Zelda, since Microsoft owns me and I am the Klobb. That would make the game fit the direction I see it best.

Sony Fanboy: I see a boothbabe!

Shiggy: I see you all worship me. I am the visionary for my new Zelda.

Bill Gates: I see you are not listening to me. 64 million? I want Zelda on my Windows XP, errrm, Microsoft X-Box.

Sony Fanboy: Did you say X? I like sex.

Ken Lobb: Microsoft is definitely the more cool company. I like the image we present.

Shiggy: I present you with Zelda. Look at all them down there. They’re drooling over my cartoon creation. My Zelda dream is being realized. My dream is their dream and reality. I am everyone’s God.

Sony Fanboy: I dream of the Olsen twins. I hear they have some new games coming.

Bill Gates: Are they for sale too?

Sony Fanboy: Maybe they could "fill in" for some temps at your office, Bill. Maybe you could get lucky!

Ken Lobb: Lucky? It’s not luck that Microsoft got me. Who needs the Olsen twins?

Shiggy: An extra life is like a twin.

Sony Fanboy: Twins double the chances for a threesome.

Shiggy: Three Zelda games compiled on a GameBoy Advance game, there’s an idea…

Bill Gates: An idea I like…every man has their price, heh?

Sony Fanboy: If every man is a whore, then every man has their price.

Shiggy: You all make me sick, always thinking about money and impure things. Find the kid inside yourself, because I am your God.

Ken Lobb: I feel bitterness inside myself. The Klobb should have been a rockin’ weapon.

Bill Gates: I could buy a bomb strong enough to blow up the entire EAD division. Then there would be no more Zelda to worry about!

Shiggy: Worry about nothing. Zelda is in my hands. I am your God.

Sony Fanboy: God, that booth babe looks like a Goddess.

Ken Lobb: Joanna Dark wasn’t a Goddess. She didn’t wield a klobb!

Sony Fanboy: I have my own stuff that out shoots the klobb…

Shiggy: The hookshot shoots well. I am proud of my hookshot idea and you are proud to worship me.

Bill Gates: I will worship you for lots of cold, hard cash.

Shiggy: Yes, Link was once a wealthy boy. He had lots of rupies.

Sony Fanboy: Rupies? That sounds like an STD.

…by this point, the roundtable discussion adjourned. You read it here first. Don't crucify me.